Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…..pretty much.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke