Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

When you put it that way… 😂

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*