Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

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I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.