Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Its a hippotatomus
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?