Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
