Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

Winnipeg!!

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.