Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Solving a traffic jam
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
…żyje?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
