Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.