Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

ready to be harvested

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.