Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

The morning after pill, but for tweets

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.