Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.