Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Everyone is getting idioter.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no