Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
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Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Hot Hot Hot
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.