Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

*looks at you in batman voice*

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Erm I’m gonna say no

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.