Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Had an epiphany today.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.