@MrSpoonicorn

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

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@Slyvally

“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die

@hippieswordfish

when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent

@i_love_fudge

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

@dafloydsta

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

@Rollinintheseat

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

@Darlainky

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

@divyne_mess

Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.

@mommajessiec

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.