*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

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“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die


when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent


Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.


I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.


Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”


Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.


Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.


Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”


My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.