Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

*me flirting

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too