Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Think I pulled my liver

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.