Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

How all things should be taught/explained.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

My ex bf sent me a friend request today and then deleted it real quick. Bro can’t even stalk right