Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

reviewed some movies recently

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

wtf