Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

That’s commitment

I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st