Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead