Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.