Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

choose your fighter

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail