Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

This meeting could have been a cake

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.