gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.