Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?