Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.