Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A ghost story
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no