Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60