Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits