Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.