Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
weddings should have a worst man
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda