gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
mathematically impossible
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”