Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

One venti cheeseburger please.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

idk what this dog had been going through but same

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.