gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Always.
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I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.