Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now