Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
