Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope