Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Is this a threat?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.