Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.