Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I hope it’s French Onion!

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that