Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.