Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Catercrombie & Fish

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers