Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it