Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

I’m hunting wabbits…

British people be like I’m Bri ish

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster