Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
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.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

me in a relationship:

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.