Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJ Maxx

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

Which wines pair best with gloating?

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.