Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
one last job
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.