Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

damn he’s good

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no