Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are