Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting