Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.