Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Worst Native American name ever.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Smile they said.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*