Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

My dream job is getting paid to dream

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

found a horse’s reddit account

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.