The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
decorating my apartment
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps