No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me: Yes, I will take one garage please
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Me: Do you want dinner? BF:sure, what are my choices? Me:yes or no.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.