“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
Me: Yes, I will take one garage please
You Might Also Like
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My goal is to be a troll as great as this guy one day
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
When Siri has her period she uses an iPad.
I hate myself.