@Mr_Kapowski

[garage sale]

Me: Yes, I will take one garage please

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@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

@DadandBuried

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

@AimeeHelene1

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

@TheTalkingPipe

I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.

@Skoog

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

@bingowings14

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.