[garage sale]

Me: Yes, I will take one garage please

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No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*


Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.


It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication


I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.


“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”


ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore


please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”


Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.