Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Love thy neighbor’s dog

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.