garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”