garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
This is a whole mood;
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
