Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….