garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

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So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.


My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.


That was your first time water skiing?
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*


My ex wife claims I have “commitment issues” like I didn’t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.


One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week



LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes

1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.

2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.

3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.


[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.


HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–


A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.