garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

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WebMD’s slogan should be “It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer.”


They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*


For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.


Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”



Power’s been out for 40 minutes and the kids are asking why I haven’t put new batteries in the house yet…


Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!


everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes