garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
So glad we cleared that up
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*