garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?