Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

A short story of betrayal:

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

2022: I can fix it

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect