Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.