[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”