[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.