Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

how to exercise your calf muscles

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand