Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Morning.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?