[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Happy thanksgiving
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks