[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
You don’t even know
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator