Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.