Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Scream sneezers need love too.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag