Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

I am also baked goods

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then