Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

imagine getting destroyed like this

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Self-cleaning conscience

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus