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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-