Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.