#gardening
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!