Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly