Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

Arrest that man!

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.